For all of the females in class, do you ever find yourself apologizing for everything? Recently, I saw an advertisement for a Pantene's Not Sorry Shine Strong campaign and it got me thinking about everything that I had apologized for over the past week.
I got cut-off by a bad driver who looked over at me at the stoplight and flicked me off... I said sorry for that.
I ordered a salad at a restaurant with chicken and when it arrived, there was no chicken so I asked the waiter to bring me a plate of chicken...I apologized for the inconvenience.
I was asked by an athlete for some advice and help and they did not like what I had to say...again I told time I was sorry.
I was running around the lake and a biker came up behind me knocking me off of the road. He slowed down and told me to be aware of my surroundings... I apologized.
Even though these do not seem like a big deal, they are because I was apologizing for things that were out of my control.
Research is finding that when women apologize they are making themselves seem like inferiors and the weaker gender. Some of the theories behind this phenomenon are that women are more emotional and therefore care more about the way people feel towards them. They would rather have people like them and avoid confrontation; they apologize first to try and make the situation better. Another theory is that men simply do not want to admit that they are wrong, thinking that an apology symbolizes defeat.
TIME magazine's Jessica Bennett says that "Sorry is a crutch — a tyrannical lady-crutch. It’s a space filler, a hedge, a way to politely ask for something without offending, to appear "soft" while making a demand. It falls in the same category as "I hate to ask" or "I know this is a stupid question" or another version of "No offense, but" or ending your statements with a question. It's bled into our text messages (“sorrrrrryy!!!!!!”), our emails (“SO SORRY for the delay"), our emoji (you know, the bashful “eeek” face), and our workplaces. Even the rise of "sorry-not-sorry" — a joke, and hashtag, that implies I'm saying sorry but I don't really mean it — is couched in apology. (Can't we even own the apology--or the insult?!).
So when is it okay to apologize? It seems an aspect of this question is what do men and women think necessitates an apology. Obviously women do not want conflict and men do not want to admit defeat (according to research) so who ends up being the one's saying sorry? Women. And this is not to say that men do not ever feel the need to say sorry. If anything this post is meant to tell women to stop apologizing so much. Its losing its value; when you stay it over and over, when it comes down to really needing to use the word, its basically saying, "yeah, you are always sorry, its okay". Think about it, when a man apologizes, it usually means he truly feels sorry not because he asked a question or got in they way of a biker or bad driver.
This post has also made me think about why I use the word sorry. If I am being honest, I think I use it so that I do not come across as a bitch. There is a fine, unclear line that women have to walk between being aggressive and respected and coming across as a bitch. You would never call a man a bitch for telling someone that he ordered chicken on his salad and expected that it come out correctly. Women want to be likable and they feel like to get ahead this is an important aspect. Apologizing is a way for women to seem less threatening and more likable.
And let me be clear, I am not trying to put down men in this post. It is meant to compare and contrast men and women's apologizing habits. I actually think that women could learn something from men about when saying sorry is important and needed.
I know that ever since I saw the commercial I have become very aware of how many times I say sorry and what I am apologizing for. And it is hard to stop. I hate conflict. It is so much easier to say sorry first to avoid it rather than facing it. However, I think that we can help each other out. Pantene's advertisement gives some good tips on other phrases to use. Maybe being thought of as a bitch every once in a while for asking for what you want or deserve is not such a bad thing because
What have you apologized for this week?
Do you think that saying sorry means that you are admitting to defeat in a situation?
What did you think of Jessica Bennett's statement about sorry?
Do you think that when women are bossy or too aggressive they risk the chance as coming off as a bitch?
Guys, what do you think about women apologizing too much? Do you notice when a female says sorry for something that may not need a sorry?
Nothing comes to my immediate memory on something I have had to apologize for. I think most of my apologies are work or peer related. I find myself apologizing in a more sincere setting. I do believe most people associate saying sorry with defeat. However sorry should be a more sincere and thoughtful response. I never viewed the sorry not sorry hashtag or phrase as an issue until her statement and this blog. I never thought about degrading the word sorry like so many do. In the work place I find myself saying sorry to show I care and show my superiors I understand if I messed something up. I think women must play a game of being assertive and showing dominance in certain settings. I think depending on the male your working with depends on how you talk and address them. This is the game of life though, pleasing the one ahead to some extent. I think one should assert themselves if they feel the need to express their opinion. It should not be well he or she is being rude. I agree some situations call for apologies that aren't needed. I also agree females apologize way more than males. Very thought provoking!
ReplyDeleteCasey, I love this post! I, unfortunately, can relate to over-apologizing. I have also found myself in situations where I truly have nothing for which to apologize, yet I manage to almost apologize for the other person having to apologize to me (i.e., traffic incidents, someone bumping into me, etc.)! It is pretty ridiculous! However, you make a great point when you say: "There is a fine, unclear line that women have to walk between being aggressive and respected and coming across as a bitch." As frustrating as it is, this unrealistic expectation for women to be assertive but not "too" assertive is definitely one with which many of us are likely familiar. I like how Grace Ng says to call women out on this over-apologizing behavior, though. I have a friend (actually one of my supervisors) who has done this to me over the past year, and I actually really appreciated it. This is a great suggestion.
ReplyDeleteI really liked your post. I think it raises a good point, but it was still lighthearted. I think a lot of people, including myself do over-apologize, and it has become such a habit that the word sorry almost has a new meaning. I read an article a while back about this particular topic and how women use the word sorry and phrases with similar meaning too often and are considered weak or lacking in confidence. It's kind of funny because if you were to correct someone and say oh you don't need to say sorry, I bet sometimes they would apologize for that too. I think that people should be aware of this, and try not to apologize when they don't need to, but I also think we should address the problem as to why women feel like they need to apologize in the first place. I think this goes back to the expectations that society has for women to take care of everyone else and place everyone else's needs before them. We don't live in the 50's and women should be seen as equals to men. If we keep speaking and acting like we are inferior than it will take longer to gain the equality women deserve. Recently, I was watching and listening to Deborah Tannen's youtube videos, and she speaks a lot about men and women's communication styles and how men and women perceive what's going on in the conversation differently. She said that female bosses will often ask for their employee's opinions on things, not because they cannot make a decision but because they want people to feel heard and considered. Apparently female bosses who do that are sometimes seen as less competent. I think this is a good example of the kind of thing you are talking about in this blog. I see no harm in becoming more conscious of how we speak and changing some of our habits to be better understood and avoid being seen as inferior.
ReplyDeleteThis post was by Grace Kulage
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ReplyDeleteI am keenly aware of how I use the word sorry because I had a teacher who would respond to anyone who said sorry by stating, Don’t be sorry, be educated. (Sorry=pitiful state, or poor condition) We all thought she was crazy, so I didn’t put much thought into it and refrained from using the word. It wasn’t until years later when I began teaching that the statement rolled off my tongue. I had not heard the saying in years, but I finally understood the lesson my 8th grade teacher was trying to teach.
ReplyDeleteI refrain from apologizing unless I am sincerely regret something or want to show sympathy. While I am very careful about saying the word unnecessarily, my former co-worker was not. She apologized incessantly as a means to avoid conflict or appear friendly. When in actuality it made her appear indecisive and inferior. She was definitely not either of those things, but she undermined herself constantly by “saying sorry” and lost respect from others. When I began working with her, the “sorry syndrome” started to rub off on me- I found myself saying “sorry” in situations I would never have said “sorry.” I quickly began evaluating myself and tried to speak to her about the saying. She was not receptive and was offended that I did not find her constant apologies as endearing.
I absolutely love Jessica Bennett’s statement about sorry and agree 100%. I also love the fact that you have chosen to highlight this issue. It is something that goes unnoticed and unaddressed in today’s society. We need to empower ourselves by continuing to make demands and stating our opinions. This does not make us bitches!
ReplyDeleteGOD! Did this blog resonate with ME!! Just this week I apologized for speaking Spanish when answering the phone, I apologized for my own mother tongue! Thankfully, I caught myself and quickly retracted for my apology, and hung up. I probably apologized for looking my hair looking disheveled after I washed it, for being dusty after a long day of demolition work, for wearing gym attire when meeting someone new, for making my boyfriend wait for me while getting ready, and probably for a thousand other things! I cannot believe it, we really do say we’re sorry more times than we can recall. IT’S SAD! You know why? Because I think of myself as a strong woman who is “unapologetically me” but did you read what I wrote? I apologized for so much, if I feel like I am a walking contradiction, I cannot imagine the women who are really deep into this ‘Sorry’ hole. It must seem unsurmountable to get out of it!!!
I do think sorry means quite a few things, a sincere apology after having said or done something that hurt someone else or that was rude or out of place. I do not think it is truly admitting defeat but like the blog said it is a way to circumvent confrontation. An opportunity to appear less threatening or demanding, God forbid we appear bossy or like we deserve the same things or respect. Jessica Bennett’s statement is literally my life, I apologize over text messages for a delayed reply! It’s not like I am intentionally ignoring anyone, I sincerely got caught up working or studying..and guess what? I apologize for THAT! It is true that being “sorry but not sorry” is itself a way to apologize half jokingly. We cannot even boldly and simply say: “I’m NOT sorry.” We have to apologize before being rude, it is absurd!
I have been written off as a “bitch” I am sure, behind my back…because I dare someone to call me that to my face simply because I am asserting something or demanding what is right. I would give them an earful. I may be risking confirming their affirmations then, but then would they have a reason haha! I am not afraid of the term, or being written off as one. I honestly want to make an honest effort to be indeed more unapologetic!
Come to think of it, the last time I said sorry was this morning--my roommate asked me if I had an item she could borrow and I said sorry, no, I didn't. Although this doesn't quite fit in with the examples used in your video (being interactions between a woman and a man), it did give me pause when I reflected on it while reading your post. I had never before thought about it, but I realize I do find myself doing the same sorts of things they do (especially scooting down to make room while 'sorrying' or saying sorry when someone invades my personal space. It makes me think that women are trained as much to see themselves as at fault as are men even when they're not. Try as I might, I can't remember when or how this pattern started in my own life, but it is worth reflecting on at a deeper level.
ReplyDeleteCasey,
ReplyDeleteGreat topic! A lot of the women in my life over apologize and lately I have found myself getting really irritated by it. But reality check... I do it too! I feel like so many women feel the need to apologize for everything that it has rubbed off on everyone else and has now become a habit. I say sorry for little things that don’t even matter without realizing it. The reason it gets on my nerves is because it isn’t necessary and usually has no meaning behind- again.. I do it out of habit. Now that I am aware I think it will be easier for me to recognize when I do it and ultimately stop. I would encourage other women to do the same so that we don’t risk passing along the “habit” to the young girls in our life.
Hi Casey! Interesting blog. I agree that it is not healthy to apologize for things that are out of your control. I strive for healthy assertiveness. I want to be kind and let my needs be known and not apologize for it.
ReplyDeleteI would disagree with the assertion that men only apologize when they feel truly sorry. I think they can apologize to be polite or to patronize someone who is scolding them and get them to stop talking. Some men are not very assertive and apologize often.
To answer your questions, I do not think saying sorry admits defeat. I also don't think that women who are assertive are seen as "bitches" but I think anyone male or female who is very aggressive would be viewed in a negative light. As far as Jessica Bennett's statement, I think the word sorry can be used in this way, but I think it's used that way by people who are less assertive in general, not just women.
This is a very interesting blog! This is a topic I have discussed with some of my friends before. It is crazy how many times you see people saying sorry, especially women. For some reason I never like hearing or saying that word that much. I consider myself to be a strong woman and I only say "I am sorry" when it is appropriate or it needs to be said depending on the situation. However, I had to admit that there have certain times where I said it and it was not necessary, it was more of a reaction to an incident. I think that your points are very valid, the majority of women say "sorry" to appear "softer" or to be more likable.
ReplyDeleteI guess that it depends on the context but in some cases I do think that women who are assertive can be seen as "b*tches" if they do not say sorry when it is not needed, but just because it has become common to hear that word at all times, however, I also think that in other occasions, women who do not say sorry in times when it is not appropriate or needed they can also be seen as strong.
I believe that the word "sorry" can be very powerful, but since it was been highly overused, it seems like it has lost some of its meaning. I also think we should all be paying more attention to how we use it and try to use it when it is necessary.
Very interesting post Casey! As I reflect back on the last week, I cannot think of a particular moment where I apologized out of context however, I have had instances in the past where I have fallen into the “apology trap”. I do believe that saying sorry can be a form of admitting to defeat and that is why it can so easily slip out of the mouth, even when we are not at fault. Jessica Bennet’s statement revealed so much truth. In reading her thoughts, I was able to think of times where I used it to not offend someone, or to appear soft or even because I was afraid of a response to my question. I think society is afraid of a strong, aggressive woman which is why she is defined or perceived in a negative manner. It is soooo important to teach young girls to not hold back because of the fear of a negative perception. It is okay for us to speak up and demand the same civil liberties and treatment as our male counterparts. I loved how Ixzel mentioned that “I’m sorry” can be extremely powerful but because it is overused, it has lost some meaning. I definitely agree with this statement and that we should become more aware of our usage.
ReplyDeleteI loved your post Casey! I find myself saying sorry ALL of the time! In the past week, I have said it to someone when we got in each other's way passing in a hall; I said it to my roommate when she didn't hear me say something; and I said it multiple times at work when I needed someone to repeat themselves or when my system was slow. I think I have said sorry out of habit, but also to avoid upsetting others. When I apologize at work, it is because I feel bad that I am asking someone to repeat themselves or wait on me (even though it is out of my control). In a way, I think saying sorry can show that you are admitting defeat in a situation, especially if you did not do anything wrong. I think there is a big difference between being bossy and being assertive. Being more assertive is something I have personally been working on, and I think if a woman asserts herself in a situation people will be receptive. It all goes back to the language we choose to use and how we handle difficult situations, so being mistaken as acting "bitchy" can definitely be avoided in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Casey! This is definitely something that women struggle with particularly. I rarely hear a man say he is sorry. I think I used to say sorry a lot and as some other people have mentioned, people would call me out and say “there is no need for sorry”. I think that helped me decrease the amount of sorrys that came out of my mouth but I could still work on it! The video you shared is a great example of how the word is used sometimes with almost not even thinking about it. I agree that we don’t need to use the word unless we are genuinely sorry about something, not just as a filler word….that definitely lessens its meaning too.
ReplyDeleteWow, this post truly resonated with me. This is actually an issue that really came to my attention this past week. I apologized to my roommate for not getting to hang out with her much because I had so much school work to do. She replied with, "You don't have to be sorry". Even though people have told me this before, her response hit me hard. It really made me step back and think, "Why did I feel the need to apologize?" This trend has been increasing among girls. I hear my friends and I say it all the time. I love how you pointed out that men do not say sorry as much because they say sorry when they mean it. That is not to say that every time women say sorry we don't mean it, it's to realize that we say it too often and the meaning of the expression is lost. I really really want to stop doing this so much and am going to try to watch out for it and replace those words with other phrases. I want to encourage other girls as well to not feel like they have to apologize for everything. I definitely think it does make us look defeated because we use it to avoid conflict or people getting mad at us. I know I need to build a thicker skin and stop apologizing for everything that I do.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I have apologized for very little this week. I have apologized for being quick-tempered due to the extra stress that exams have brought. In my experience, women are definitely labeled a “bitch” for being bossy or aggressive. This would seem fair in some cases, but not when people understand what is considered appropriate behavior for both sexes. Women are bossy, aggressive, or bitchy for simply asserting themselves in the same manner men do on a regular basis. This is because such behavior is considered the purview of men and women are discouraged from behaving in this manner because they want to be liked. It is definitely true. I used to be a victim of this thinking. I apologized to everything and everyone, regardless of fault. I was very tentative and constantly acquiesced to the opinions and wants of others. After a while, being walked over all the time becomes painful and erodes self-respect and sense of self.
ReplyDeleteI was constantly villainized for making slight suggestions or telling people “no”, even when that is the only response I ever received from others. One day I decided that it was very much worth it to be labeled a bitch if I was able to be authentic and live the life I wanted. At first I did come off as very aggressive because I felt like it was the only way I could have my opinion heard. I eventually learned how to be more assertive in lieu of aggressive. Regardless, I am still labeled a bitch but I value honesty more than the opinion of others. I am now (almost) completely unapologetic.
This is certainly an important topic you've raised. I think women on occasion will over use sorry, or other similar terms, at an attempt to de-conflict a situation but end up simply making themselves seem weak. I think that in a situation in which there may be conflict women should stand their ground and say what they believe is true. Even if they come off as more aggressive than a man who may do the same, they will at least be gaining respect. In order to take positive steps at equalizing the genders, women must be willing to stand up to men who treat them as less.
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ReplyDeleteIt actually really bothers me when someone is over-apologetic, mainly because an empty apology is just a way to smooth over a situation or to make yourself feel better. It is funny though because I will apologize in moments of confrontation and for me it is because I know I am about to be forward with someone and undermine them as a person and I do not trust people to misinterpret what I say, or take it to heart and think less of themselves. I agree that over-apologizing is something women do for comfort and to not come off as assertive but it makes women look weak because you automatically undermine your own confidence behind what you have said and can come off as not genuine. However, I do not think to be apologetic is bad, there is strength in being able to admit when you are wrong or can address that you have have hurt someone else. I do not think an unapologetic life is necessarily best but a life of awareness and intention in general when it comes to everything from I am sorry to I love you. This topic brings me back to something that has been in my mind this whole semester, that we need to teach young girls how to find and own their voice
ReplyDeleteGreat blog. Just yesterday my friend asked me why do I apologize for things that I don't need to apologize for. I stopped and responded "I don't know why but it shows weakness to many people." I do not necessarily agree with Jessica Bennett's comment. I personally do not use sorry as a crutch. I say because I am a very independent woman that has put her career in front of her family some days. I created strong relationships in corporate world that I have to stand next to the "aggressive" line bordering "bitch." In today's world, it's still a man's world. As soon as a woman climbs to the top of the ladder, she will never be at the top. Well, I am a competitor and I am NOT sorry for being a great business woman and mom! I can do both.
ReplyDeleteI really love this post!
ReplyDeleteI actually find myself in the same boat as I apologize constantly when I am in someones way or even when I interrupt people in some way. I find it particularly interesting that it was stated in this post that it was obvious that men don't like to apologize, whereas I have the completely opposite experience.
It wasn't until I was apologizing repeatedly in high school for the same sort of thing over and over that I found myself confronted by one of my best friends with him commenting to me "Don't just say you are sorry, show you are sorry."
For me this was revolutionary.
Sadly I still apologize constantly but it is definitely something to take note of.
If I consider the question of how I feel when women apologize to me, I honestly dont really think much of it. It is one of those things that I tend to take that stance of if you are indeed sorry, do something about it. If you are not, that is okay, I just realize that it is quite overused in today's world, corporate or otherwise.
I think you are right, it is easy to just apologize at times just so you feel like you are coming off like you are sorry for the situation and you just don’t want to disappoint them.
ReplyDeleteI do not think it necessarily means defeat, but that you just want to end the situation and move on from it.
Jessica’s little exert I also thought was interesting to read just because those were so many everyday situations and things I hear on a daily basis. I think anytime you ask anyone for a quote, you are going to get a different answer.
I think at times, yes there is context when girls come off bitchy, but I think depending on the situation, knowing the girls culture, and her personal experiences you will truly never know how or why a women is passionate about a subject.
I think both guys and girls can sometimes come off a little strong when they say they are sorry too many times. I think it shows there is a great deal of no self-confidence for them, whether they were right or wrong. I think in situations it is perfectly acceptable, but it think just as the article stated it is used more as a crutch for uncomfortable situations.
Great post! I believe this is true. I sometimes find myself apologizing unnecessarily, but not often. Some women may do that to avoid confrontation or making someone mad. Sorry doesn't have to mean defeat, if so, you're apologizing for the wrong reason. An apology is when you do something wrong or make a mistake and you want to express that you accept what you did and how you made the other person feel. Also means you won't do it again. Some men and women can have a hard time saying sorry when they don't feel what they did was wrong and they don't feel bad about how the person feels. Or they can just let their pride get in the way. I think everyone should learn to see things from the other person's perspective and realize when they're wrong/should apologize.
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