For all of the females in class, do you ever find yourself apologizing for everything? Recently, I saw an advertisement for a Pantene's Not Sorry Shine Strong campaign and it got me thinking about everything that I had apologized for over the past week.
I got cut-off by a bad driver who looked over at me at the stoplight and flicked me off... I said sorry for that.
I ordered a salad at a restaurant with chicken and when it arrived, there was no chicken so I asked the waiter to bring me a plate of chicken...I apologized for the inconvenience.
I was asked by an athlete for some advice and help and they did not like what I had to say...again I told time I was sorry.
I was running around the lake and a biker came up behind me knocking me off of the road. He slowed down and told me to be aware of my surroundings... I apologized.
Even though these do not seem like a big deal, they are because I was apologizing for things that were out of my control.
Research is finding that when women apologize they are making themselves seem like inferiors and the weaker gender. Some of the theories behind this phenomenon are that women are more emotional and therefore care more about the way people feel towards them. They would rather have people like them and avoid confrontation; they apologize first to try and make the situation better. Another theory is that men simply do not want to admit that they are wrong, thinking that an apology symbolizes defeat.
TIME magazine's Jessica Bennett says that "Sorry is a crutch — a tyrannical lady-crutch. It’s a space filler, a hedge, a way to politely ask for something without offending, to appear "soft" while making a demand. It falls in the same category as "I hate to ask" or "I know this is a stupid question" or another version of "No offense, but" or ending your statements with a question. It's bled into our text messages (“sorrrrrryy!!!!!!”), our emails (“SO SORRY for the delay"), our emoji (you know, the bashful “eeek” face), and our workplaces. Even the rise of "sorry-not-sorry" — a joke, and hashtag, that implies I'm saying sorry but I don't really mean it — is couched in apology. (Can't we even own the apology--or the insult?!).
So when is it okay to apologize? It seems an aspect of this question is what do men and women think necessitates an apology. Obviously women do not want conflict and men do not want to admit defeat (according to research) so who ends up being the one's saying sorry? Women. And this is not to say that men do not ever feel the need to say sorry. If anything this post is meant to tell women to stop apologizing so much. Its losing its value; when you stay it over and over, when it comes down to really needing to use the word, its basically saying, "yeah, you are always sorry, its okay". Think about it, when a man apologizes, it usually means he truly feels sorry not because he asked a question or got in they way of a biker or bad driver.
This post has also made me think about why I use the word sorry. If I am being honest, I think I use it so that I do not come across as a bitch. There is a fine, unclear line that women have to walk between being aggressive and respected and coming across as a bitch. You would never call a man a bitch for telling someone that he ordered chicken on his salad and expected that it come out correctly. Women want to be likable and they feel like to get ahead this is an important aspect. Apologizing is a way for women to seem less threatening and more likable.
And let me be clear, I am not trying to put down men in this post. It is meant to compare and contrast men and women's apologizing habits. I actually think that women could learn something from men about when saying sorry is important and needed.
I know that ever since I saw the commercial I have become very aware of how many times I say sorry and what I am apologizing for. And it is hard to stop. I hate conflict. It is so much easier to say sorry first to avoid it rather than facing it. However, I think that we can help each other out. Pantene's advertisement gives some good tips on other phrases to use. Maybe being thought of as a bitch every once in a while for asking for what you want or deserve is not such a bad thing because
What have you apologized for this week?
Do you think that saying sorry means that you are admitting to defeat in a situation?
What did you think of Jessica Bennett's statement about sorry?
Do you think that when women are bossy or too aggressive they risk the chance as coming off as a bitch?
Guys, what do you think about women apologizing too much? Do you notice when a female says sorry for something that may not need a sorry?
